Happy (Sexy) Halloween!

October's ending, and you know what that means: Halloween! Spookiness, free candy, and the opportunity to dress up in costume and let your creativity and fun flow for one night. 
It's hard not to get excited walking through the stores and seeing their best set up for the festivities: jack-o-lanterns grinning, spider decorations looming, and sexist Halloween costumes displayed for the buying.

Honestly, nothing gets my blood pumping like a sexy Minion.
Who doesn't love Halloween? 
(Incidentally, I don't, but it has less to do with the sexist Halloween costumes and more to do with wanting to get Halloween over with so the real holiday -- Christmas -- can begin.)

Disclaimer: this post is not about what you should or shouldn't want to be for Halloween. If you happen to love dressing up as a sexy Luigi, good for you. I'm here for your empowerment (and Laci Green does a wonderful video about why self-expression is important on Halloween). This post is about the shameless oversexualization of almost every major Halloween costume in the market.

Don't believe me? Watch how this funny Buzzfeed Guys video nails the hypocrisy of Halloween costumes. (Seriously. Click that link.)

I'm not going to insult your intelligence and explain why the blatant sexism of Halloween marketing is bad; you can piece that one together for yourself. Instead, I'm going to point at the elephant in the room and make you look at comparison photos of men's costumes versus women's costumes.

So without further ado, we now come to the main attraction: 

My Top 10 Favorite Sexist Halloween Costumes of 2015!

10. Sexy Patrick Star

Because nothing screams "sex appeal" like the animated friend of Spongebob Squarepants, right? My favorite part about this particular costume is that, if you take away the cartoon face on the woman's torso, there is absolutely nothing tying that minidress to the chubby, dopey cartoon friend.

9. Sexy SWAT Team 

This one's really authentic; I bet she can do all sorts of functional things SWAT members do in those knee-high boots, and I bet her boobs don't get in the way at all. (And, just wondering, where's her bulletproof vest?)

8. Sexy Monkey

I can't even joke about this; trying to be a sexually attractive monkey is tiptoeing a little too close to beastiality for my comfort level.

7. Sexy Military

Look, women in the military have enough hurdles to jump for equality without having to worry that the civilian world is sexualizing their profession. Bonus points to this one for being a child's costume. I could have done an entire series just on the children's costumes, but honestly, it was making me sick.

6. Sexy Prisoner

Well thank God that if there are going to be horizontal stripes in prison, they'll at least be pink. Are those boots regulation? 

5. Sexy Nerd

Has anyone ever actually seen a nerd dress like this? Honestly? 

4. Sexy Astronaut

Something tells me her dress is not zero-gravity safe. Has anyone contacted NASA? His suit looks pretty legit, but is that what female astronauts wear? 

3. Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

For when you want to relive your childhood and be desperately uncomfortable all night! Again, why are we sexualizing children's characters? Which are turtles?

2. Sexy Pilgrims

 

Is this what our country was founded on, people?

And last, but not least, just as I promised:

1. Sexy Minions

Perhaps the real problem with Halloween is that it forces us to face the fact that apparently people are sexually attracted to characters from children's cartoons.